Catching Up Part 1: Dead Serious

This last semester was pretty tough for me. I managed to do well in my accounting classes, which are pleasantly introvert friendly. Otherwise things didn't go too well. As things were not going well I had started to notice a number of unpleasant side-effects from my medication including some pretty significant weight gain. The real problem was something we just hoped was a side-effect of the medication, which was a significant increase in the frequency with which I was having self-destructive or suicidal thoughts.

I want to bring something up here for clarity. I think that in times of great stress, most people are likely to experience this kind of thinking at some point or another. For those who have mental illness the frequency with which you have these kinds of thoughts is going to increase because you experience more intense stress more often than most people via the effect of the illness. If you have loved ones who have any form of mental illness it's probably worthwhile to make sure they know to be open with you about this kind of thing. Maybe they don't have a problem with it, maybe they don't. You're going to want to know if they do though. If they are having a severe depressive episode, you should go ahead and ask if they are safe. For those of you who don't have those kinds of thoughts with any kind of regularity, here's a little breakdown of self-destructive thought flavors, because there are several. This is not supposed to be all inclusive, but I'm keeping my definitions broad enough that most cases should fall into one or the other. I'm going to define each flavor by the thought that it centers around.

"I want to die"
This is easily the most common form of the thought and, lets be clear, it can be very common. It is also the least worrying form as a general rule. The thing that really defines this flavor is that you don't want to do anything that will lead to your death, you just want to be gone, vanish, escape, or something along those lines. It's unpleasant, but generally since you aren't willing to take action there is little risk involved. It's just painful to experience. You are basically wishing for misfortune to strike you because that would somehow be better. Some people might not really count this as a truly suicidal thought, but I think it needs to be treated as such. If you experience this form for long enough then it can shift to the truly dangerous form...

"I want to kill myself"
This is the one everyone thinks of when they think suicidal thoughts. It is this one where you start to think about potential methodology and making some kind of plan. If you or a loved one is experiencing this flavor of self-destructive thought, then you need to get help IMMEDIATELY. Whether that means snuggling with loved ones on a couch, or calling the suicide helpline DO IT. This is plain old dangerous. The worst thing you can do while experiencing this is to isolate yourself. If you are having this kind of thought then get into the company of someone, anyone, who cares about you and talk to them as much as you can until the thought fades.

My big issue with having that be the only flavor of thought that is considered a "suicidal" or "self-destructive" thought, especially by those who are experiencing these kinds of thoughts, is that it's not going to be the first thought that comes to mind. Before you get here you will have experienced one or both of the other two, and by keeping better track of those other two you can hopefully avoid this one.

"I wish I were dead"
This is the "It's a Wonderful Life" kind of thinking and it can lead to the more motivated flavor very easily, but it does not necessarily involve a call to action. I feel like this deserves to be separate from the other flavors because it feels very different. I would say it is more dangerous than the "I want to die" flavor because while wanting to die sucks, being so full or self-hate and disgust that you wish you had not existed to do the things you have done is exceptionally painful This kind of thought is generally accompanied by a total invalidation of anything good that you have done, and as such can generally be countered by reasserting the validity and goodness of your accomplishments.

With that fun bit out of the way I'll go ahead and confess that towards the end of the semester I was having the "want to die" flavor of self-destructive thoughts, on average, about 3-5 times a day. When those thoughts intruded on me, I did my best to dismiss them immediately, and generally that worked out pretty well, at least for a while, but that was just on an average day where nothing special, good or bad, happened. So I went into the doctor, and I've just finished the process of weaning off the medication I was taking. My anxiety levels have gone up, and that's... exciting, but the self-destructive thoughts have diminished significantly. On an average day, there aren't any! That's what I call progress. I was going to do more catch up here, but this seems like about the right time to wrap up. There may be another post today giving some more updates, but it might have to wait for a while.

As a final note, I want to be clear that I am not a professional. I find psychology fascinating, have done a lot of personal research, and have taken a college level course in which I did very well, but most of what I'm pulling these definitions from is personal experience. Your mileage may vary. However, I feel like this is something that really needs to be talked about. I think that self-destructive thoughts are probably more common that most people expect, but those experiencing those thoughts especially the dominant "I want to die" flavor, don't want to freak people out by saying, "Yeah, I regularly want to die." It makes people scared or sad, and that is natural, but it's better for them to be a little worried than to have to deal with the potential consequences of just leaving the sufferer alone. And if telling people about it leads to more people getting whatever help they need then things will just be better.

I'd love to see some discussion on this topic in the comments, at least partially because it'll let me know people are reading, but also because I feel like this needs to get talked about, so feel free to discuss. I'll try to answer any questions that people have.